let the wound open

yesterday

was worst than

a blizzard

but it

cracked open

a pill i didn’t

know i had gulped

down

and so it gushed

open like

a wound

and i realised

i was out of plasters

 

 

and i scrambled

for tape or

cloth or anything

that could stop

this bleeding

of

accusations

inflations of

future

deflations

revelations

probations (mostly)

 

 

and so i tried

running-

skin against

wisps of wind

and rain

hoping that snake

bite would get

caught between

my huffs and

puffs

and melt away

 

 

but instead

it spread like acid

like inadequacy diluted

with who i want to be

and this whole

time I’m asking

why i’m not who

i want to be

and why i still

can’t talk the right

perfect way

and why everything is

not yet quite perfect

so the mind goes

on a merry-go round

and these thoughts

bleed

spew out

laugh

spit in my face

 

 

i’ll keep

spitting blood

i’ll keep breaking

the veins in my nose

so all i smell is iron

and rust

 

 

finally i give up

on bandaids and

running and let

the wound open

this time i’m holding

a magnifying glass

not a gun

i’m not ready to

fight or

fly

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may you be

may you be

chartreuse liqueur

makes a small den

in the space between us,

wrapping itself up

into a small cocoon

to then slowly have itself

unravel

by my hands-

your hands

 

so as we unravel

and as it unravels

i find myself pinpointing,

us, on a great big

map

dotted lines suggest

where we were

where we’ve been

and it’s one long winding

road, tainted by the same

chartreuse lamps

 

sitting between the

rocks and your legs,

humming

 

too often i find myself

realising

the traced pencil marks

(on the map)

of places we could go

maybe on bike

or car or train

maybe with money or without

maybe the trip

is all in our mind.

so it’s all maybe there

or somewhere else

maybe i would like that

maybe not really

 

my limbs, tangled between

“may” and “be”

and i look up,

back to you,

and start thinking

 

you’re may,

you’re newborn summer

fresh and dirty

full of bee’s buzzing

and may you be

my

emerald birthstone or

simply the sudden rainfalls

you’ll still be buzzing with

that life that reminds me of

may. reminds me

of the day i was born

so i can be born over and

over again everytime

we sit side by side,

small little bee

in may,

you remind me of –

 

may you be

that

or something

else,

or

maybe,

just let me

envelope you.

 

maybe i love how you’re

maybe this or maybe that

remain undefineable

i find that entrancing-

to put it bluntly-

 

(and to put it more bluntly,

every time you’re here,

you surprise me with something

new,

 

a new way of seeing:

like im wearing glasses for the first

time

over and over

again)

spring clearing

polish our kitchen

tiles;

they gleam with

incandescent

neon

green

 

 

clean up the mess up

from the floor

made by the cat

 

 

clean the air between

us

clean my dirty hands

in the presence

of your purifying look

 

 

i’ll clean the mirror

for you

and as I wipe that

reflecting surface

i’ll wipe your tears

and ropes

of hope

 

 

break my mug in the

process,

pick the bits up

only between early morning

and the town outside the

silent windowpanes starts

its engine

 

 

bit by bit

we clean the kitchen

bit by bit

breathe in sliding

socks over marble

and sinks with running

water:

finally the plants

have something

to drink

 

 

spring clearing

your soul,

all those dirty bits

like beer cans

left behind by tainted

people

don’t let them

stay for too long

dear

or the mirror

will get  too

dirty

 

 

not that i mind

coming over

every morning

to feed the

cat.

zoom in//zoom out

zoom in;

you’ll find

cries

and chokes.

oozing

turpentine

emotions

and

footsteps

foot clicks

tiptoes

of people below

and above

and all the way

around

with heads

buzzing like

bees just

like you

 

 

crack open

their bones

to find marrow

consisting of

spider-like

clingy

thoughts more

like knives

in our eyes

but anyways

you get the

gist,

zest of

preoccupations

worries

past

future

past

we go back

and forth

on the

merry go round

 

 

zoom out;

 

 

we unpeel the world

like a clementine

sweet and

raw and forgiving

 

 

zoom out;

you realise

there was no gate

you thought you were

trapped behind

draw dots

spots

ink blots

i’ll show you:

it’s all us,

these freckles

on paper-

it’s all us-

tiny but

crowned with

a softly thudding

heart of hearth

constantly

warm, expanding

beyond skin

 

 

you’ll find

this warmth in you,

in your kin,

to be found in

the secretly symmetrical

leaves

the knees of

trees

and thieves

of wind

so,

it’s always there

this warmth gushing

out of every faucet

out of every locket

 

 

zoom out and out;

this azure orb

of ours,

or shall i say,

we come out of this

azure orb.

 

 

hidden sweetness,

delight

you’ll find in the

way we merge

with the oceans

storms

winds

dirt

birdsongs

whale cries

time going

clockwise

implies

we’re waiting

for ticking

and tocking

but all that

tick

tock

ticks

when only

you zoom in

 

 

and only then

do you capsize

the orb

with fixation

obsession

on the bundle

of nerves

we confine

to define us

 

 

but zoom out

realise

this sphere

floating in space

bubbles with

brewing ardor

and adoration

for what it all

is:

these

incapsulated

expressions

of one occurrence

 

 

nestled

between the

crevices of

this fabric,

a flame

bursting from

this sweet

spring of

creation.

a miracle

blazing,

wildly alive:

you

 

medicine tree

cross eternity

with me

maybe not

maybe hide

behind my medicine

tree

behind pills

and pulls

and puffs

and that’s

where you belong

on that faraway

land

isolated

raging desire

waiting

catatonically

still,

me in

bones

 

 

 

still i cannot

make my mind

up,

will you

be my personal

turpentine?

that’s to decide

until you

show up at

the pit of my stomach

familiar,

hunger

 

 

dear

medicine tree,

 

 

i’m sorry

if i’m not,

chewing

swallowing

chewing

and if i am,

either way,

i’m scared,

but i’m

not

and i

want to

see your

skin tight

dry crusting

lips bugging

begging

but i do

and i don’t,

and i don’t know

whether to swallow

your pill,

or not,

or swallow it,

then spit it out

 

 

so if i have

this masochistic desire that

underwires the

fire between

my brows

forgive me if

i like to deprive

in order

to strive

so slowly,

slowly i’ll

hide a few snicks

and snacks

here and there

and i’ll stop

gulping that last

spoonful

i’ll stop sitting

i’ll stop breathing

i’ll stop expanding

or contracting

 

 

sit under

my medicine tree

i’ll pass you a pill

i won’t ask you to

pick between

blue or red

because i won’t

be the pill

but the space

between them

resting along

your ribs

math class

sleepy

droopy

heads like

dying daisies,

petals of hair

on the brink,

falling off the edge

of eyelids

 

 

yawns that

could gulp down

the world

in one contagious

outrageous

inhale

(and that just made

me yawn)

 

 

rubbing and

scrubbing eyes

stretching arms out

of hibernation

 

 

dull frustration

 

 

beating softly against

temples

squeaking with

sleep

deprivation

 

 

all waiting for

one big

revelation

the zenith of a

rollercoaster,

the pop of a

cork

 

 

but

it drones

on and

time drags on

stretching our

neurons

thin

 

 

we’re nothing

but mathematical

ghosts

agent of selection

“experimentally

assessing

the need

of such agent”

 

 

agent of

selection,

the hands pulling

your strings

you realise,

you have no spine

no skyline

nothing divine

just sloppy

soppy

floppy

veins bending

(regulated)

blood flow

 

 

 

agent of

selection,

you were never

the one

in control

run back

before the patrol,

make sure to

disintegrate your

soul

 

 

agent

of selection,

and so “the organisms

that are better suited to their

environment

survive

 

 

the pressure”

 

 

pressures that

squeeze you into

a drop of oil:

pull, tug and

grind you up into

a canned shaped

compressed

version of meat,

not anymore

you.

they’ll put a

label on this

can:

not your name

but your

dolla

dolla

bill

worth

 

 

 

agent

of selection,

only the

most suited

survive

so open your mouth

and give them numbers

upon numbers

of only the highest percentile

promised of

how you’re

“flexible”

“adaptable”

“always ready to

learn”

 

 

3 words

to describe

yourself,

tell me about

your biggest

challenge

prove

prove

prove

you’re worth survival

in this maze

of green paper

 

 

“selective agent

picking

the

better

suited

for the environment”

 

 

between

two tectonic plates

small organism,

will you survive?

 

 

between

polished shoes and

ticking time bombs,

small organism,

will you survive?

 

 

will you survive?

will you survive?

will you survive?